“Past performance is not indicative of future results.”
—Investment advice disclaimer
I originally planned to start this post with, “Why don’t I get this yet?” and then berate myself for being a 40-year student of Enlightenment but still failing at something so simple as basing my self-worth on someone else’s opinion. Eventually, I would have gotten to the “aha” moment (I always do) and turned a self-defeating diatribe into a positive Life Lesson.
But I was delayed in sitting down to write this and the “aha” snuck up on me. Three of them, actually.
—Investment advice disclaimer
I originally planned to start this post with, “Why don’t I get this yet?” and then berate myself for being a 40-year student of Enlightenment but still failing at something so simple as basing my self-worth on someone else’s opinion. Eventually, I would have gotten to the “aha” moment (I always do) and turned a self-defeating diatribe into a positive Life Lesson.
But I was delayed in sitting down to write this and the “aha” snuck up on me. Three of them, actually.
First, Enlightenment is not linear. You don’t learn Lesson A followed by Lesson B followed by Lesson C. So being at this for 40 years doesn’t mean I should have already covered this material.
Second, the concept of self-worth can hardly be described as “simple.” Therapists have built their careers on helping others learn to value themselves. I know—I’ve read their books & blogs and watched their TV shows.
Third, even if I have had previous flashes of insight into this particular Life Lesson, “Past performance is not indicative of future results.” This is as true in life as it is in investing.
If you’re still with me, you’re probably thinking, “What the HELL are you babbling about? Get to the POINT already!”
Okay.
I had a major meltdown last night.
I unexpectedly—and abruptly—lost my job earlier this month. For the past week or so I’ve been obsessing about getting closure with my ex-boss, but I’m not sure she’s going to want to talk to me. In fact, I’ve had nightmares with variations of that exact scenario.
Last night, as I was drifting in and out of sleep, my insecurities came bubbling to the surface. In my mind, I was following my boss around the office pleading with her to sit down and talk with me. All I wanted was a chance to wrap up my 16 years of working for her with a final conversation. I wanted to tell her I never imagined it would end so suddenly. I wanted her to say she was sorry to see me go. She kept walking around, and I kept following her. I was almost in tears.
She never stopped to talk.
When I woke up today I was sick with heartache. I needed her to talk to me. Tell me she didn’t want it to end like this. Say she would miss me.
I needed her to validate my feelings of loss. To tell me I was okay and would be okay.
My fear was (is?) that her avoidance of the conversation meant she didn’t feel that way. That she wasn’t sorry to see me go. That I wasn’t okay and might not ever be.
This is the moment when bright rays of sunshine burst through the dark clouds and hope fills my heart (also known as the Cosmic Whack Upside the Head).
First, she hasn’t avoided the conversation, because I haven’t asked her to meet with me yet. I’ve been making myself crazy worrying about something that hasn’t happened!
Second, and more importantly, I’m giving her WAY too much power. To believe I need her to validate my worth—not just for the past 16 years, but for the rest of my life—is mind-boggling. I could probably support the careers of a couple of therapists on this issue alone.
“You have value whether anyone else sees it or not.” I’ve read or heard this thousands of times. In brief flashes of insight I’ve even said it to others. So why, in my darkest moments, does this completely escape me?
Because “Past performance is not indicative of future results.”
Just because I have read something or heard it or said it does not mean I have learned it. In fact, that it does not automatically come to mind when I need it indicates the exact opposite—that I have not learned it. But I remember it once my fears and emotions settle down, which gives me hope that I can learn it.
Someday.
Soon, I hope.
I’d like to avoid another meltdown.
Second, the concept of self-worth can hardly be described as “simple.” Therapists have built their careers on helping others learn to value themselves. I know—I’ve read their books & blogs and watched their TV shows.
Third, even if I have had previous flashes of insight into this particular Life Lesson, “Past performance is not indicative of future results.” This is as true in life as it is in investing.
If you’re still with me, you’re probably thinking, “What the HELL are you babbling about? Get to the POINT already!”
Okay.
I had a major meltdown last night.
I unexpectedly—and abruptly—lost my job earlier this month. For the past week or so I’ve been obsessing about getting closure with my ex-boss, but I’m not sure she’s going to want to talk to me. In fact, I’ve had nightmares with variations of that exact scenario.
Last night, as I was drifting in and out of sleep, my insecurities came bubbling to the surface. In my mind, I was following my boss around the office pleading with her to sit down and talk with me. All I wanted was a chance to wrap up my 16 years of working for her with a final conversation. I wanted to tell her I never imagined it would end so suddenly. I wanted her to say she was sorry to see me go. She kept walking around, and I kept following her. I was almost in tears.
She never stopped to talk.
When I woke up today I was sick with heartache. I needed her to talk to me. Tell me she didn’t want it to end like this. Say she would miss me.
I needed her to validate my feelings of loss. To tell me I was okay and would be okay.
My fear was (is?) that her avoidance of the conversation meant she didn’t feel that way. That she wasn’t sorry to see me go. That I wasn’t okay and might not ever be.
This is the moment when bright rays of sunshine burst through the dark clouds and hope fills my heart (also known as the Cosmic Whack Upside the Head).
First, she hasn’t avoided the conversation, because I haven’t asked her to meet with me yet. I’ve been making myself crazy worrying about something that hasn’t happened!
Second, and more importantly, I’m giving her WAY too much power. To believe I need her to validate my worth—not just for the past 16 years, but for the rest of my life—is mind-boggling. I could probably support the careers of a couple of therapists on this issue alone.
“You have value whether anyone else sees it or not.” I’ve read or heard this thousands of times. In brief flashes of insight I’ve even said it to others. So why, in my darkest moments, does this completely escape me?
Because “Past performance is not indicative of future results.”
Just because I have read something or heard it or said it does not mean I have learned it. In fact, that it does not automatically come to mind when I need it indicates the exact opposite—that I have not learned it. But I remember it once my fears and emotions settle down, which gives me hope that I can learn it.
Someday.
Soon, I hope.
I’d like to avoid another meltdown.